A parent’s job is not to shield their child from life’s challenges, but to guide them through—providing support and tools to help them thrive in difficult times.
As a child life specialist and therapist, I have worked with thousands of children and families dealing with illness, trauma, grief and loss. I have observed the words and actions that reveal that a child is learning to cope effectively with life’s inevitable difficulties.
It’s not about staying calm or avoiding tears. It is about using strategies and skills to manage, tolerate and reduce stress when it arises. This is why children who cope well tend to have high emotional intelligence. They are good at identifying their feelings and using positive strategies to manage their emotions.
Listen to these six things you might hear kids with high emotional intelligence say:
1. ‘It’s okay to be sad’
Children with high emotional intelligence are likely to have trusted the adults who taught them that it’s okay to cry and that all feelings are okay.
They know that it is natural to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or anxious in response to difficult situations. In the same way, they have learned that it is okay to have happy, joyful, or playful moments even in difficult times.Â
2. ‘I need some space’
Children with healthy coping skills can recognize and manage their emotions. They know the warning signs – racing thoughts, racing heart, tense muscles or a knot in the stomach – and feel comfortable asking for what they need.
They may go to their “coping corner” to give themselves time and space to use their pre-planned tools. For example, they can take a wheel or blow bubbles to help them breathe deeply.Â
They likely learn these skills by watching their parents model self-regulation and open communication.
3. ‘Are you okay?’
Emotionally intelligent children can also recognize emotions in others. They understand that both adults and children can have big feelings during difficult times and that everyone copes differently.Â
They may be the first to realize that when their friend is upset, they may need space or a hug, and that’s okay.
Empathy for others comes naturally to them, and they show ease and comfort in listening to another’s point of view, respecting their needs, and working together.
They understand that even when their parent is emotional, they can still be loving, caring and safe.
4. ‘I don’t like it’
Children who have practiced setting boundaries about how they would like to be treated tend to have high emotional intelligence. They can communicate effectively their needs, desires and feelings while being sensitive to the other person.Â
They might say, “I don’t like it when you use my stuff without asking,” or “I don’t like not knowing what to expect.” Or you may hear other statements that begin with:
- “I’m not good with…”
- “I don’t want to talk about…”
- “I don’t think it’s nice / funny when -“.
They are also careful about respecting the needs of their peers and siblings.
5. ‘I made a mistake’
This phrase shows that a child is self-reflective and free of shame. Instead of being afraid to make or admit mistakes, they are able to talk about it and solve problems to improve the situation or circumstance.
They also understand what they could have done better or differently because they know that mistakes are how we grow, learn and develop through challenges.
6. ‘I have an idea’
Confidence and creativity in problem solving are signs of emotional intelligence and healthy coping. Children who have faced difficult situations have learned to work together with their peers and trusted adults to find reasonable solutions or ways forward.
They feel confident expressing their thoughts, ideas and qualities while listening and learning from others.
When children work through setbacks and consequences in a safe environment, they can develop decision-making skills and flexibility while also cultivating emotional awareness and self-esteem.
It starts with you
If your kids still don’t say these things, don’t worry. Emotional intelligence and coping skills take time to develop and often begin with parenting.
Just start by saying these things to yourself. Children learn best from what is modeled for them.
Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor who provides customized support, guidance and resources to parents, families and communities affected by medical conditions, trauma, grief and the stress of everyday life. She is the owner of a private practice, mother of two children, creator and author of Method workbooksand the nonprofit’s Chief Clinical Officer Pickles Group.
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