LA Fires took my house, memories. I am a psychologist – This is my opinion.

• Psychologist Sue Verreault lost her home in Altadena in the Eaton Fire in Los Angeles County.
• Several massive fires began to break out in Los Angeles last week, destroying thousands of homes.
• Despite her loss, Verreault says she’s continuing to work because her clients need her.

This essay is based on a conversation with Sue Verreault, a 55-year-old psychologist who lost her dream home in Altadena, California, in the Eaton Fire, which began on January 7.

Some massive fires, including the Eaton Fire and the Palisades Fire, have ravaged parts of Los Angeles and Ventura counties, destroying over 12,000 structures, likely causing at least 27 reported deaths and causing up to $275 billion in damages.

The following has been edited for length and clarity:

I learned about the fire on social media

I first became aware of the fires on Tuesday evening when I went on social media and noticed that there was a fire coming down from the ridge of the mountain towards the foothills of Altadena where I live.

I have a family that lives in my backyard, and we saw that the fire was behind our house and there were other houses that were starting to burn.

We knew that with the embers flying around, that at any moment we would be in danger. There was a lot of smoke. It was really bad, and with winds that were about a hundred miles an hour, it was a high risk.

And my three dogs were very scared.

The only thing I could fit in my car was my dogs and what I could pack in my passenger seat.

There was a part of me thinking, they’re not going to let all these houses burn down, it’s going to be good. I just need to get to safety now, and we’ll be back when it’s safe.

It wasn’t until after the fact, at 4:30 in the morning, that I got a “Leave now!” evacuation order. But it was too late.

After spending the night at a colleague’s house, I tried to get to my house in the morning. Just driving on the highway, you couldn’t see anything.

When I returned to my path, I saw fire. I could only walk about a block and a half from my house. And then the smoke was touching the ground.

It was like a solid brick wall from heaven to earth with soot and black smoke.

I could see there was no one there except for a fire truck. It was like a wasteland. I couldn’t believe it.

I saw this pickup truck on fire on the side of the road and I knew then I had the feeling that my home was gone and I couldn’t go any further.

“This was our oasis,” and then there was cancer

My partner, Jamie, and I bought the house in 2008 for $760,000 and it’s now worth about $1.6 million. When it was built in 1909, it was one of the main houses there in Altadena.

That house was our oasis.

We had a beautiful yard, plants, a hot tub. We were doing gardening and renovations. We took in rescue dogs that needed help along the way because we had a half acre. It was our sanctuary.

And then, when Jamie was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2010, she got very sick very quickly and the renovations stopped.

She was my everything, and then when she died, that house was my connection to her and my way of honoring her by continuing the renovations.

I left many things behind, like my grandmother’s perfume that smelled of her, and especially Jamie’s things that I love.

I had her clothes. I had her ashes on a necklace and partially spread in our yard. This is gone. But she is in my heart. She will always be there.

Last Saturday, my friends took me to see what was left of my house, and if there was anything we could salvage.

When I saw my house, I climbed my concrete stairs, and I saw the destruction – everything was gone – and I saw my chimney standing, I collapsed before the crowd.

I felt only despair. I felt this loss deep, deep, deep. And the first thing I thought of was Jamie.

I couldn’t breathe. I was having a panic attack and throwing up.

I put my savings into that house. This was my pension. I put everything in that house. And because of all the improvements I made, my mortgage payments are over $4,000 a month and now I will have to pay rent.

This really tortures me because I don’t think I can afford to rebuild. I don’t know what to do because I might have to sell the land to avoid bankruptcy.

I still feel like I have to go to work and help people

I’m 55 – I don’t have much time before retirement and I’m starting over in a negative state, so it’s hard to think about right now, especially when I’ve worked so hard just helping other people.

I work 14 hour days as a supervising psychologist for the LA County Department of Public Health, and then a private practice in the evenings.

I went back to work on Monday. It’s a good distraction and there are so many people who are in so much need right now, and in greater need than I am.

I have been with some of these clients for several years and this is also their pain because they live in these areas, or are displaced.

So I just don’t feel like I can stop working right now.

I want people to know that this will pass and it will make you stronger. It’s a mentality. Only you can empower yourself by asking for help – and accepting help.

That was the hardest thing for me – people I didn’t even know were giving me money to help me and accepting that help was very difficult.

But it is the compassion of strangers that gives me hope.