- It can be difficult to take a teenager’s breakup seriously.
- Journalist Lisa Phillips wrote a book to show parents how to help their heartbroken teenagers.
- She said you need to validate their feelings and make sure they don’t back down.
When Lisa Phillips’ 13-year-old daughter started dating another person, the author and reporter became concerned. She wondered how this relationship – and eventual separation – would affect her the only daughter.
This led Phillips to write the book, “First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak.” It’s meant to help parents — like herself — navigate these treacherous new waters.
“Sometimes parents get caught up in that kind of relationship, saying, ‘Oh, it was just a crush,’ or ‘Oh, it was just this weird situation. You never said you were one official couple. So maybe it’s good that you can move on now,” Phillips told Business Insider.
While this will be the gut reaction of most parents, it is not the best. It can be difficult to manage your own adolescent feelings in this difficult time, but it is not impossible. Here’s how.
First, validate your child’s feelings
“If heartbreak is happening, you want to validate it,” Philips said, stressing that validation is the most important thing a parent can do.
Teens need to hear from their parents that their grief matters and their separation—even if it may seem trivial to you.
Dr. Maria Ashford, a psychologist with years of experience working with teenagers, said she sees heartbreak as one of many factors that can lead to an increase in anxiety and stress.
“Teenagers, in general, are more hesitant to share these kinds of vulnerabilities, but especially in an environment where they may be unsure if their feelings will be validated or what kind of response they’ll get,” Ashford told Business Insider.
By validating their feelings, you are showing your teen that you want to be there for them and help them move on with their lives.
Help them take the next steps toward healing
some heartbroken teenagers you might want to talk about the breakup all the time. Phillips said it’s important that your teen doesn’t dwell on or get stuck on negative thoughts about the breakup. Instead, they need the right guidance to break out of this loop.
Phillips recommended saying, “Okay, we’ve really talked about this a lot. I’m worried your brain is getting tired. Let’s think of a problem you can fix right now.”
You can also ask them if there are other concrete ways to support them. For example, Philips said, helping them deal with how they will work on them work after school if that person will be there and come up with strategies for them to talk to their boss to arrange different shifts.
What if your teen is reluctant to discuss his feelings with you?
Ashford said if your teen isn’t talking to you about his feelings, you should watch for behaviors like avoiding certain activities or social commitments. This could be a sign that they are depressed.
Ashford said to reach out to your reserved teen and suggested saying, “I know you’ve just been through something very difficult, and when we go through these times, it’s helpful to talk to someone about how we’re feeling. I know that too. that sometimes it can be hard to do that with your parents, so I just want to make sure you feel like you have someone you trust and you can talk to about these things.”
She also suggested you work together find a therapist if they refuse to talk.
Remember, this is not about you
If you were close to your child’s ex, you may have feelings of loss and grief, but you need to find ways to cope on your own.
Phillips also added that this is not the time to discuss your breakup or your past romantic disappointments.
“Don’t bring up your divorce — especially if it’s the parent of that child,” Phillips said. “It’s just not right. It raises all kinds of loyalty issues.”
It is more important to focus on your child in the moment and what they need to do cross the divide.
“At this point, your child needs to feel heard [issues] they’re dealing with in their lives,” Phillips added.
