We can inadvertently damage our relationship while trying to help, forgetting that both partners … [+]
In relationships, our love often pushes us to go above and beyond for our partner. We want to protect them from hardships, ease their struggles and make their lives as comfortable as possible. But what if, in our efforts to help them, we unknowingly hold them back?
Sometimes, being too involved or offering too much help—despite the best of intentions—can inadvertently limit a partner’s independence and hinder their personal growth. These subtle patterns may not be immediately apparent, but over time, they can prevent your partner from truly flourishing.
Here are three ways this can happen and how you can create space for growth and mutual empowerment.
1. Be their problem solver
When your partner faces a challenge, it’s natural to want to tip in or take over entirely. You care deeply about their well-being and want to ease their struggles. However, even though your intentions may be noble, constantly stepping in as their “fixer” can mean, albeit unintentionally, that you don’t trust their ability to handle things on their own. Over time, this dynamic can become addictive, reducing their confidence in managing life’s obstacles.
For example, if your partner is struggling with a work project, you may feel inclined to help organize his tasks or even draft emails on his behalf. While this may solve the immediate issue, it robs them of the opportunity to grow through their problem-solving process.
According to the Relationship Problem Solving (RePS) model, explored in a 2019 study published in Review of Personality and Social Psychology, Effective interpersonal behaviors should increase the partner’s motivation and self-efficacy. By exceeding it, you inhibit their growth.
The model further emphasizes that partners need space to progress through the problem-solving stages independently, as excessive involvement can hinder their development. By offering encouragement instead of solutions, you empower your partner to build resilience and connect to the healthy dynamic described in the RePS model.
To shift this, instead of taking over, be a supportive sounding board. Encourage them to think of solutions and express confidence in their abilities. Try phrases like, “I know you’ll figure this out—what’s your first instinct?” or “You’ve faced similar challenges before, what worked last time?” This approach encourages their independence by showing that you are there to support them if needed.
2. Setting unintentionally prone limits on their ambitions
Dreams and ambitions are deeply personal, and as partners, our responses can significantly affect how confident one feels in pursuing them. Even well-intentioned dubious expressions can discourage your partner from taking risks or exploring their passions.
For example, if your partner expresses interest in starting a side business or changing careers, a comment like, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” it can make them second guess themselves.
This often stems from projecting our fears or insecurities onto their aspirations. You may worry about financial instability or fear how their growth may change the dynamics of relationships. While these concerns are valid, expressing them out of balance can make your partner feel unsupported or limited in their pursuit of personal growth.
A 2010 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin highlights how a partner’s reactions to aspirations can shape motivation and success. Doubtful or discouraging responses can hinder growth, while supportive behaviors build trust, leading to thriving relationships and personal success. Educational and action-oriented support enhances self-improvement, while criticism and devaluation can hinder progress.
Instead of focusing on the potential risks, emphasize the opportunities. Encourage your partner with open-ended and supportive questions such as:
- “What is the first step you would take to get started?”
- “What would success at this look like for you?”
By becoming a champion of their growth, you not only support their ambitions, but also strengthen your bond as a team that believes in each other.
3. Excessive involvement in their decisions
Collaboration on decisions is essential in a relationship, but there is a fine line between being involved and being the decision maker for your partner. When you find yourself weighing in on everything—from their clothing choices to how to handle a conflict with a friend—it can undermine their sense of autonomy. Over time, they may begin to rely on your input, even for small decisions, leaving them unsure of their own judgment.
For example, if your partner is considering a new hobby and asks for your opinion, a response like, “You should definitely do yoga instead of painting—it’s more practical,” may direct them toward your preferences instead of respecting their wishes. While well-intentioned, this type of involvement takes away from their ability to make decisions independently, which can affect the long-term relationship.
The loss of autonomy can significantly affect the way both partners manage the relationship. Research highlights how a partner’s autonomy can positively influence overall relationship dynamics, highlighting the importance of mutual independence and self-directed motivations for lasting and fulfilling relationships.
For example, a 2005 study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that autonomy, both as an individual trait and within the dynamics of a partnership, is essential for healthy conflict resolution and relationship satisfaction. Partners who maintain greater autonomy tend to approach disagreements with less defensiveness and more understanding, leading to healthier resolutions and greater post-conflict satisfaction.
To shift the dynamic from imposing to inclusive, it’s important to encourage your partner to trust their instincts and make decisions independently. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, try taking a step back and saying things like:
- “What seems fair to you?”
- “I believe that you choose what is best for you.”
This approach shows respect for their autonomy and helps build their confidence in making choices that align with their values and desires.
Noticing and fixing these little ways you may be holding your partner back can change your relationship for the better.
If you often find yourself torn between entering or giving space, take it Intuitive Decision Style Scale test to help guide your decision.
