Being a parent today feels like we are measured by impossible standards

• I am raising a teenager and I often feel that none of my choices are right.
• Parenting now often feels like the “Barbie” monologue where we can’t do anything right.
• I wonder what he will remember as an adult and what he will forget.

My teenage son was about to miss a school term. We had spent the last few days coming up with a plan: breaking the project down into manageable chunks, setting reminders, checking in here and there. But when the last weekend of the due date came around, Joey wasn’t working on it. He wasn’t panicking either. it it was on his phone.

I stood in the kitchen with my coffee, frozen in that familiar parenting dance. Should I ask him to work on the assignment now, or should I just sit back and let him manage his time?

Neither choice was right.

If I were to interfere, would I be one the dominant helicopter parent hovering very close? But if I let him go, would I be failing him by taking away the support of adults to guide his subsequent practice?

And then a bigger, deeper question that always occurs to me: In the grand scheme of parenting and all that’s going on in the world, is this something worthy of such contemplation?

Parenting in today’s day and age it feels like an impossible task.

Parenting feels like the famous “Barbie” monologue.

The iconic “Barbie” monologue. still resonates with me more than a year after its release—not because it’s about parenting (it isn’t) but because Greta Gerwig gave words to something deeply personal and undeniably universal. The monologue, powerfully delivered by America Ferrera, highlights the conflicting expectations and impossible standards placed on women.

I think parenting is like that too.

It is literally impossible to be a parent. You love your child so deeply and it’s heartbreaking to worry that it’s not enough. Like, we have to be awesome at this hard thing all the time, no matter what, and somehow, someone always says we’re doing it wrong.

You should raise independent childrenbut not so independent that they feel abandoned. You want them to be fully themselves, but you also want to protect them from a world that doesn’t understand. You must discipline them, but not too harshly, or you will hurt them. Be patient, but not permissive. Appreciate every moment, but don’t forget to think and prepare them for the future.

You have to balance being their authority figure and their empathetic listener. You must remain calm, even when you are completely exhausted. You must love your careerbut never let it interfere with your family. You should give them every chance, but also don’t spoil them.

You can’t admit how hard it is because it can make you seem like you don’t love them enough. And if they struggle in any way—socially, academically, emotionally—that’s your fault. Haven’t you read the right parenting books? Take the right classes? Use the right tone?

And, above all, how do we know which moments will matter most?

I wonder what he will remember about me as a parent

I wonder what Joey will remember from these years and what he won’t.

I think about my childhood and how some moments lingered while others quietly slipped away. I remember one afternoon when the kids in my neighborhood made fun of me for not knowing how to ride a bike without training wheels. My father drove them away, and although I didn’t magically learn to drive that day, I felt protected and watched over.

Years later, I was in a small fender bender on my way to high school. Still a bit shaken after exchanging insurance information, I drove home instead of going to school and called my dad. He explained that this was not a time to retreat, but a time to move on. So I went to school.

Or the night Mom stayed up late helping me clean the room, even though I was the one making the mess. I was so shocked I couldn’t get started, and instead of lecturing me, she sat on the floor and helped me. On the other hand, I knew better than to call her at work if I forgot a homework assignment; those consequences were mine to deal with.

I will always wonder if I did enough as a parent

The truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking of myself as a parent. I will always wonder if I should have done more or less, if I should have gone in earlier or held back longer. Or is my perspective too isolated in relation to external events in the world?

What I’m trying to get at is that raising a perfect child in an imperfect world certainly can’t be the goal.

My parents’ style was hands on and hands off. Now that I’m a parent, I understand the seemingly endless number of factors that influence parenting choices. I guess my parents didn’t have an exact formula for when to use which approach. What I am sure of is that my parents did their best with every decision.

That’s what we’re all doing, right? Our best at all times. That’s what I can commit to: showing up every day, doing my best in every single moment, warts and all. I hope that’s enough.