3 ways to build a real ‘love map’ of your partner, from a psychologist

Do you know your partner as deeply as you would like? In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman suggests that building a “love map” is essential to nurturing a strong and lasting relationship.

Love maps help couples understand the intricate details of each other’s lives, big and small. Essentially, a love map is a mental guide to your partner’s inner world—their dreams, concerns, quirks, and values. When couples have well-developed love maps, they feel seen and valued, and their relationships tend to be more intimate and resilient.

Here are three ways to start building a detailed love map of your partner.

1. Understand their likes and dislikes

Start with the basics. Even if you think you know your partner’s preferences and habits, digging a little deeper can reveal more than you realize. These details can help you connect in ways that really resonate and show your partner how much you care.

To build a love map, start with some basic questions to learn about your partner’s daily life, general likes and dislikes. For example, observing your partner’s daily routine may sound basic, but these are often overlooked details that can help you feel closer, showing you what they prioritize and care about most in their lives. . Do they prefer leisurely coffee mornings or are they energized by social events? This helps you better appreciate how they structure their lives and what brings them joy or peace.

So find out about their favorite foods, movies, books and activities. Keeping a mental note of their favorite food or ideal way to spend a Saturday can become gestures of love when remembered and celebrated.

Additionally, understanding your partner’s core values ​​helps you connect on a deeper level and navigate future decisions. Learn about their views on family, work, relationships, spirituality, or social issues—these factors shape their identity and outlook on life.

Love maps also involve understanding your partner’s specific needs and expectations in a relationship. Everyone has different ways of giving and receiving love, so knowing your partner’s love language can also strengthen your bond.

Here are some questions to get you started:

• What is something you look forward to every day?
• What is your favorite way to relax?
• What pleasure do you like to have when you feel bad?
• When do you feel happiest?
• What is the quality you can’t stand in a person?
• What do you value most in life?
• What issues do you feel strongly about?
• What are the things I do that make you feel loved and how do you like to show love to others?

2. Learn about their triggers and deeper wounds

Once you are familiar with their daily life, immerse yourself in their emotional world. This is where love maps begin to deepen, helping you understand what brings them comfort or stress and how their insecurities may be influencing them. Emotional intimacy comes from being able to talk openly about these soft topics without judgment, which creates a safe space for connection.

Knowing what makes your partner feel anxious or upset also allows you to offer support when they need it most. Understanding their emotional triggers is about developing compassion for their experiences, not trying to fix or change them.

Additionally, everyone has past scars and insecurities, some stemming from childhood, past relationships, or other challenging experiences. Gently encourage your partner to open up about any fears they feel comfortable with. They will feel supported, valued and more willing to trust in the relationship.

A 2021 study highlights the importance of listening to your partner without judgment or interruption, validating their feelings and showing them you care and empathize. When they are able to safely share these aspects of their lives with you, it builds trust and shows them that it’s safe to be vulnerable.

Remember, it’s important to find the right time and place for these questions and ask them with sensitivity and respect. Be patient with them as this is a gradual process. Understanding each other’s boundaries and deal breakers can also help avoid any misunderstandings and maintain respect.

Here are some questions to deepen emotional understanding:

• What was the most challenging part of your week?
• Is there anything you are currently worried about?
• What kinds of situations usually make you feel overwhelmed?
• What’s the fear you’ve always had?
• Is there anything you want to feel more confident about?
• Is there anything that feels off limits or uncomfortable to you in a relationship?

3. Support their goals and dreams

Once you’ve covered the basics, dive into the goals and dreams that drive them. This gives you insight into how they envision their future. It also shows you how you can support them along the way, which is essential for maintaining high relationship satisfaction.

For example, you can ask questions about professional projects they are excited about, skills they want to develop, or places they would like to work. You can also explore what experiences they hope to have in their lifetime, such as places they dream of visiting, activities they want to try, and any other personal, social, spiritual, emotional, or financial goals they may have.

Discussing where you both see the relationship heading can also create a sense of shared purpose and alignment. Relationship goals can include what each of you hopes to build together, whether it’s starting a family, traveling, or cultivating a distinct lifestyle.

Here are some questions to learn about your partner’s deepest desires and ambitions.

• What are some dreams you’ve had for a long time?
• What do you wish you had more time for?
• What is something you want to do at least once in your life?
• If you could go anywhere tomorrow, where would it be?
• What are your hopes for us as a couple?

Love maps include a dynamic and evolving understanding of each other. People grow, interests change and dreams evolve. So periodically updating your love map is essential to stay close. Even if you think you know your partner well, keep asking questions and invite them to share more about what’s on their mind or heart. Feel free to ask questions you may have discussed before to see if anything has changed. Make it a habit to visit each other, perhaps during a weekly date night or a cozy evening together.

Remember, creating a love map is more than just learning facts about your partner; it’s about deepening your connection through curiosity, empathy, and support. The beauty of this exercise is knowing that as your partner grows and evolves, you will have the privilege of meeting and loving new versions of them, over and over again.

How loved and seen do you feel in your relationship? Take this quiz to learn more: Perceived Accountability Scale