Married an American and moved to the USA: Surprises, Disappointments

• When I moved from New Zealand to the US, I didn’t realize how much it would actually cost me.
• It has been difficult for me to be away from my family and build a community in a new place.
• When I visit my country, I often experience reverse culture shock.

I moved from New Zealand to California over 12 years ago after meeting and marrying an American.

Even though I’ve been in the US for a long time now, I still experience some of the same challenges I experienced when I first moved here. Plus, I never stopped feeling the pull of the home and family I left behind in New Zealand.

However, visiting home doesn’t always bring the same comfort as it used to, as it can be difficult to adjust to a culture I haven’t lived with for over a decade.

Sometimes, I feel like my heart is in two places, but I don’t quite belong in either.

Here are some of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as an expat.

Figuring out how to navigate unfamiliar cultural norms has been difficult

When I first moved here, I found that the US tends to have a much tougher and more competitive culture, where people can be overlooked or dismissed if they are not prepared to speak loud and clear about their achievements.

However, in New Zealand, I was used to – and grew up with – a culture that encourages people to be humble.

As Kiwis, we don’t tend to talk about our achievements and try to give credit to others (even if it rightfully belongs to us) for fear of being seen as boastful. Those seen as “too big for their boots” are deliberately knocked over – a phenomenon so popular in Australia and New Zealand that the locals have a term for it: “tall poppy syndrome”.

Although they may be small, these types of cultural differences can feel like a minefield to navigate and have made some social interactions a source of stress for me for many years.

Being away from my family has been difficult for me, both financially and emotionally

Although my husband is American, we live far from any family – his nearest relatives are four hours away.

It has been difficult to raise our daughter without access to a village with family members.

I especially miss having a community at my 10-year-old daughter’s soccer games, where I’m often surrounded by multiple multigenerational families cheering on their kids. I can’t help but feel sad that she can’t experience having a willing fan club on the sidelines because her family is so far away.

I’d like to visit our family overseas more often, but it’s just not possible when flights between San Francisco and Auckland are typically over $1,000 – even when you book months in advance.

We can only afford to visit New Zealand every two years or so, and I worry about how the distance will affect my daughter’s relationships with her family over time.

My daughter has cousins ​​in New Zealand and Australia between the ages of 4 and 16. She often asks me if we can get closer to them and I feel bad that we can’t visit them more often.

It is also difficult for my overseas family to visit the US, partly because of the exchange rate. The New Zealand dollar is worth about 60 cents here, so a $1,000 plane ticket would cost about $1,790 NZD. My brother and sister-in-law even cut short a planned trip to the US because of how expensive it was for them.

Those travel costs have also made it difficult to navigate family emergencies over the past few years — especially when I got a call that my dad was in the ICU after a bad fall last year.

Each flight home within the next two weeks would cost over $2,500 – well beyond my budget. Instead, I had to get family updates over the phone and cheer her on from home as she recovered.

I no longer feel completely at home in New Zealand

Most of my family still lives in New Zealand, but time and distance naturally create a disconnect with everyday life back home.

I look forward to my visits home, but over the past few years, I’ve experienced reverse culture shock, a phenomenon that can make expats feel like tourists in their native country.

It can manifest itself in relatively simple things, such as not understanding local pop culture references or feeling removed from the everyday issues that concern my fellow Kiwis. Unfortunately, this has meant that my old home can feel extremely unfamiliar and sometimes there is a disconnect when I visit.

I can root for the All Blacks rugby team, find kiwi-inspired meat pies and enjoy the company of other expats. However, both my country and my family are inevitably changing and growing – so I don’t always feel a sense of belonging in either the US or New Zealand.

However, I did my best to adapt to a new culture and accept a new sense of “normal” for people, places and routines. Despite the challenges, I feel like I’m in a good place in California, and the relationships I’ve slowly built with those around me make life worthwhile.

My experience as an expat hasn’t felt easy – but at the end of the day, I’m glad I took a chance on myself and followed my heart.